writing in pen.

I’m learning what it looks like to not erase parts of my heart. Honestly, even writing that sentence, I want to go back and erase it. I struggle with vulnerability. Knowing when it’s safe to open up my tender, private heart.

I like to retreat, only sharing with a select few the ways that the Lord is growing and teaching me. I love things being organized, picture-perfect and trying my hardest in all facets. But somethings been weighing on my heart; lately I haven’t been completely honest and raw with y’all (the readers of these little posts), the way I had initially hoped.

Choosing to only post specific blogs out of fear that some wouldn’t be as impactful or have the wow factor. Rather, God’s showing me that He didn’t create me to be perfect. Ouch, that hurts even just typing it. Actually, He created me to share my brokenness with others, through talking or writing these posts.

As I go back and re-read some of my blog posts that I never published out of a crippling fear or worry that someone would hate it, I wish there would’ve been enough confidence to have posted those blogs; not caring what others thought; simply writing from my heart.

I started this blog to write down how the Lord has been working through my own life, how He has been growing and teaching me, and the possibility that it could resonate with one of my readers.

So I’m learning not to erase. To see the imperfections, as areas of growth. For redemption to take place and to not hold myself to such standards.

So I’m throwing out the pencils, taking up a pen and beginning to write with confidence; knowing that there will be hard seasons ahead that I will so wish to erase, but reminding myself that God created those seasons for specific lessons to be learned. There is such beauty in smeared ink; representing what the messiness of life itself is like. Full of mess-ups, hiccups and short-fallings, yet such strength and resillientcy.

This post is more so a personal reminder to myself, to keep writing with a pen and to see the beauty in the messiness.. but this is for anyone else who carries such a heavy burden of expecting perfection in their own life. It’s when you cry out to the Lord, He picks up your shattered heart and begins to mend it back together.

To the person reading this, may you feel the tenderness of the Lord through your broken tears. Here’s to messing writing, smeared ink and remembering that God created us for us to share in our brokenness, and draw near to Him for healing.

May your tattered hearts become mended, may your bruised souls be comforted, and may you have confidence to face the chaos of life head on, with a pen and paper in hand.

-Kyra Mariah

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