It rained all day – as tears were shed and tight hugs were given. Little bodies holding on as my heart broke all the more. This season has been so sweet and abundantly fruitful in such unexpected ways. Quieting to the drizzle of His consistency – my heart is grateful for the ways things started, how they shifted and how they’re ending. All because of Jesus. From the out-pouring of His heart.
Rain – a reminder of God’s abundant faithfulness.
Again and again He shows up and provides all that is needed & so much more!!!
It’s weird to be closing the door to a season I once felt would never end, when at the low moments; yet He sustained – again and again.
Trying to sit in the moment and process it all – yet the world keeps going on – unaffected as my heart is forever changed.
Trying to sort it all out – I’ve watched Him take pieces of brokenness and redeem it to its fullest. Remembering back on when I first entered into the little one bed/bath flat at Hearts of Hope, feeling the Holy Spirit gently whisper that there was much more healing to come than I could imagine.
I’ve learned there was a part of me that ran from the heartbreak that was still back home. I convinced myself that I was completely healed when I boarded the flight to Johannesburg. What I’ve learned is – I don’t know if healing ever fully comes; at least not on my own strength. I think that’s the beautiful-twistedness to it. To sit back and see the lessons of the past and the pain of the present to the hope of the future. Bringing it all before the Lord and asking Him to carry and redeem it through His eyesight not mine – because He is the Redeemer and Healer.
God has provided more than I could fill my cup of imagination with. Days were full of simply sitting with babies and children – being stripped of distractions to solely be present in the moment; caressing and wiping away tears, to holding sick babies n the middle of the night. Noticing the intricate details of each of their little bodies that God designed Himself. Doing laundry in the dark. Eating fruit in the rain with fellow little hands and bodies. To lunch becoming my favorite time – sitting and listening to the stories of the three little girls who have forever captured my heart. How vast their imagination goes and how much they have already walked through at such a young age. I find myself captivated to be in their presence. Yearning to watch their minds turn as they try to braid my hair and end up with knots all over. Yet, that’s such a picture of Jesus. He yearns for my affection and my devotion. He waits and sits and listens to the workings of my mind to be captivated all the more. And He doesn’t rush it. He doesn’t ask for me to stop the inner turmoil or the relentless tears at times. He simply sits. Presently. Actively. Listening.
He’s brought about redemption in unexpected ways through sweet new friendships and an incredible boss to work for. They met me where I was at – not where my potential could be. Simply listening as the door to my heart opened and poured out.
All while I spoke, God was at work in the unseen. Slowly, steadily, suturing my own heart’s wounds with His faithful provision. His abundant grace. And while I thought he was only doing that in me – He was doing it in the lives of those around as well.
This season has been wildly hectic – beautifully woven and sovereignly redeemed and there is no other way I would desire.
Am so grateful for how Mama Deb just threw me in! I got to work on lots of the backside of things. Attending court, meeting with the magistrate/judge, completing case paperwork and learning of what all regulations and governmental help or lack of entails for a protective safe house for children.
God has brought clarity to my eyesight as I came into this season holding onto the details of what’s to come after returning to the States as a security blanket rather than from a place of obedience. Yet, God is so gracious. Through my time with HOH – He’s brought reassurance of where my next steps are headed. But not from my sense of insecurity and insufficiency – from Him knowing what’s best. The sweetest thing being that He is the one truly leading this time – not me. Something I didn’t think I’d find myself grateful for Him taking the lead from me, but so am. Heading back to become a licensed trauma counselor – to someday come alongside kiddos who have been through similar experiences as these precious children has all the more been solidified. God just continues to use the broken pieces of glass and make such awe-inspiring mosaics out of it all!
It’s wild to think the plane is about to land. Setting foot back in the States. One more flight till being embraced by sweet parents and an amazing community.
Thank you to all who have willingly – read, walked alongside, prayed and/or financially given to help make this season possible.
To my dear friends, mentors and family – thank y’all for encouraging me to keep stepping when my own eyesight had failed. When my own well was barren and there was nothing of sustenance left – thank y’all for pointing me back to Jesus!
To Deborah at HOH – thank you for welcomingly folding me into your ministry and allowing space and times for my heart to be stilled. Times for input and others to simply listen and empathize. God is doing so much in and through you and your ministry! Hold on tight!
To Octavia – a friend I prayed for and unexpectedly met. Thank you for simply doing life and letting me pour into your life just as you did the same. From helping you move to the sweet in-between car rides and lots of Nando’s chicken bowls – you are a precious friend and dear sister in Christ! Excited to see what God keeps doing in and through your harvesting season!
To all the HOH staff- thank you to each of y’all for welcoming me and allowing for such sweet fellowship to take place. Between driving kiddos to the clinics, court appointments, changing nappies or hearing of each of y’alls lives – it has been so impactful.
And to the most impactful person – thank you sweet Father, for knowing all that laid ahead and never abandoning or turning aside through it all. You are kind. You are gracious. and I am so grateful for how You abundantly provide.
There’s still lots to process – lots to pray through and continue to heal – but how sweet that there is no timeline and God is not an impatient Father. Continue to pray over Hearts of Hope – for the ways in which they are reaching, meeting, loving and supporting each child that comes into the various homes. Please pray for Mama Deb to keep loving from an out-pouring and not from a reserve. And be praying for ways that other’s who have willing, intentional hearts could come alongside the ministry!
Thank you Jesus for this hectically beautiful season – I wouldn’t have it any other way
One thought on “a heart full of hope (& some goodbyes)”
I see your journey has just begun!! I will pray for your walk and not the run! Your heart is soft and open and it will hurt from time to time but that’s how we learn and grow. Don’t be in a hurry my girl He loves you so!!!!