It rained all day – as tears were shed and tight hugs were given. Little bodies holding on as my heart broke all the more. This season has been so sweet and abundantly fruitful in such unexpected ways. Quieting to the drizzle of His consistency – my heart is grateful for the ways things started, how they shifted and how they’re ending. All because of Jesus. From the out-pouring of His heart. 

Rain – a reminder of God’s abundant faithfulness. 

Again and again He shows up and provides all that is needed & so much more!!! 

It’s weird to be closing the door to a season I once felt would never end, when at the low moments; yet He sustained – again and again. 

Trying to sit in the moment and process it all – yet the world keeps going on – unaffected as my heart is forever changed. 

Trying to sort it all out – I’ve watched Him take pieces of brokenness and redeem it to its fullest. Remembering back on when I first entered into the little one bed/bath flat at Hearts of Hope, feeling the Holy Spirit gently whisper that there was much more healing to come than I could imagine. 

I’ve learned there was a part of me that ran from the heartbreak that was still back home. I convinced myself that I was completely healed when I boarded the flight to Johannesburg. What I’ve learned is – I don’t know if healing ever fully comes; at least not on my own strength. I think that’s the beautiful-twistedness to it. To sit back and see the lessons of the past and the pain of the present to the hope of the future. Bringing it all before the Lord and asking Him to carry and redeem it through His eyesight not mine – because He is the Redeemer and Healer. 

God has provided more than I could fill my cup of imagination with. Days were full of simply sitting with babies and children – being stripped of distractions to solely be present in the moment; caressing and wiping away tears, to holding sick babies n the middle of the night. Noticing the intricate details of each of their little bodies that God designed Himself. Doing laundry in the dark. Eating fruit in the rain with fellow little hands and bodies. To lunch becoming my favorite time – sitting and listening to the stories of the three little girls who have forever captured my heart. How vast their imagination goes and how much they have already walked through at such a young age. I find myself captivated to be in their presence. Yearning to watch their minds turn as they try to braid my hair and end up with knots all over. Yet, that’s such a picture of Jesus. He yearns for my affection and my devotion. He waits and sits and listens to the workings of my mind to be captivated all the more. And He doesn’t rush it. He doesn’t ask for me to stop the inner turmoil or the relentless tears at times. He simply sits. Presently. Actively. Listening. 

He’s brought about redemption in unexpected ways through sweet new friendships and an incredible boss to work for. They met me where I was at – not where my potential could be. Simply listening as the door to my heart opened and poured out. 

All while I spoke, God was at work in the unseen. Slowly, steadily, suturing my own heart’s wounds with His faithful provision. His abundant grace. And while I thought he was only doing that in me – He was doing it in the lives of those around as well.

This season has been wildly hectic – beautifully woven and sovereignly redeemed and there is no other way I would desire. 

Am so grateful for how Mama Deb just threw me in! I got to work on lots of the backside of things. Attending court, meeting with the magistrate/judge, completing case paperwork and learning of what all regulations and governmental help or lack of entails for a protective safe house for children. 

God has brought clarity to my eyesight as I came into this season holding onto the details of what’s to come after returning to the States as a security blanket rather than from a place of obedience. Yet, God is so gracious. Through my time with HOH – He’s brought reassurance of where my next steps are headed. But not from my sense of insecurity and insufficiency – from Him knowing what’s best. The sweetest thing being that He is the one truly leading this time – not me. Something I didn’t think I’d find myself grateful for Him taking the lead from me, but so am. Heading back to become a licensed trauma counselor – to someday come alongside kiddos who have been through similar experiences as these precious children has all the more been solidified. God just continues to use the broken pieces of glass and make such awe-inspiring mosaics out of it all!  

It’s wild to think the plane is about to land. Setting foot back in the States. One more flight till being embraced by sweet parents and an amazing community. 

Thank you to all who have willingly – read, walked alongside, prayed and/or financially given to help make this season possible. 

To my dear friends, mentors and family – thank y’all for encouraging me to keep stepping when my own eyesight had failed. When my own well was barren and there was nothing of sustenance left – thank y’all for pointing me back to Jesus!

To Deborah at HOH – thank you for welcomingly folding me into your ministry and allowing space and times for my heart to be stilled. Times for input and others to simply listen and empathize. God is doing so much in and through you and your ministry! Hold on tight! 

To Octavia – a friend I prayed for and unexpectedly met. Thank you for simply doing life and letting me pour into your life just as you did the same. From helping you move to the sweet in-between car rides and lots of Nando’s chicken bowls – you are a precious friend and dear sister in Christ! Excited to see what God keeps doing in and through your harvesting season!

To all the HOH staff- thank you to each of y’all for welcoming me and allowing for such sweet fellowship to take place. Between driving kiddos to the clinics, court appointments, changing nappies or hearing of each of y’alls lives – it has been so impactful.

And to the most impactful person – thank you sweet Father, for knowing all that laid ahead and never abandoning or turning aside through it all. You are kind. You are gracious. and I am so grateful for how You abundantly provide.

There’s still lots to process – lots to pray through and continue to heal – but how sweet that there is no timeline and God is not an impatient Father. Continue to pray over Hearts of Hope – for the ways in which they are reaching, meeting, loving and supporting each child that comes into the various homes. Please pray for Mama Deb to keep loving from an out-pouring and not from a reserve. And be praying for ways that other’s who have willing, intentional hearts could come alongside the ministry!

Thank you Jesus for this hectically beautiful season – I wouldn’t have it any other way

-Kyra Mariah

Hello from Joburg!

As the smoke on the horizon seems to never leave – there is much that has happened. I pray that a storm will roll in and clear the air of such debris, in my own heart as well.

Since being here – God has been reminding me of His constant pursuit; regardless of circumstances, trials, joys or even in thunderstorms – amidst it all.

These weeks have been some of the lowest mentally. Wrestling with the Lord on what would glorify Him while trying to uphold boundaries; it’s been a hard fight. I have felt called to South Africa, yet due to a variance of reasons, the initial ministry did not work out. This left me needing to leave but not knowing where to begin or even what to do. Do I fly home and call it a day? Do I try to find another ministry? Is this it for missions?

Feeling deceived and struggling, the Lord broke my heart to show me hope is in Him alone. Not in a ministry, a destination, or even a certain people group. A specific prayer before I came was to be broken. To see more of His face – yet it seems to always be in a different way than I had expected – leaving one dependent on Him when my heart cries out.

My dad; cheerleader over his family and lover of buildings and Jesus – is one of my favorite people. He loves intentionally and laughs easily with a chai tea in hand. By stepping away from growing his own name in the architecture realm, He chose to obey God, moving our family cross-country and opening our eyes to missions. He loves kiddos with a passion and believes in the underdog.

More than anything – He fights when my own faith has fallen short and hope seems like a next-door neighbor.

Embracing him one last time, these words were written:
We sat at the gate;

tears filling the cavern of goodbyes

as last embraces occurred

and hearts were torn

as steps were made

to the place of deep desire once again.

In the pitfalls – in the heartbreak of hope and seeing the passionate desire to work with mama’s and babies overseas, God saw it all and was cultivating something new. Like my dad, He was watching attentively to it all, as the tears and restlessness were felt.

Something beautiful and heart-healing was being made, as the tears continued to stream down and land on the empty platter of my heart, His glory was shining through, just not in eyesight quite yet.

Taking the first step and sharing with my parent’s, community of mentors and trusted friends what was happening – it was decided that I needed to leave – whatever that meant – trusting that His faithfulness would not waiver as my own heart did.

While in the midst of it, my heart poured this out:

I’m learning more and more that grief is a friend.

a twisted-sweet friend.

One who adds salt to old wounds

and yet comforts in the still of the night.

I’ve learned its presence is not solely found in seasons but rather in the constant.

In every decision.

Every yearning.

Every passing – there is death of one and life in another.

Yet, You are the outlier –

the standout – defeating death and bringing new life.
My dad is on sabbatical as he takes time to dream and heal, quieting to the gentle whisper of God, before going anywhere next. Yet, he set it all aside to help me figure out what to do. Grateful for my community made up of my sweet mama, friends, mentors and prayer warriors, who walked with me through the questioning.

Spending the in-between time with a couple I met on the flight over, God sufficiently provided. It was a weekend abundant with dogs, visiting the wife’s art pieces at the local gallery, rugby games and even connecting with their family friend who’s a practicing Trauma Counselor. God used it all to remind me of His love, as He was creating new possibilities amidst the sour situation.

I am now working with Hearts of Hope, who provides a beautiful safe home for vulnerable children. Initially purchasing a home and taking occupation in December 2007, they currently care for 43 orphaned and vulnerable children, aged between birth and 18 years old.

Days are filled with holding babies, comforting, laughing and simply doing life loving on an abundance of kiddos. Already, this place will be a hard one to leave; sensing that great healing will come, not just in the kiddos lives. Little bodies are waiting back at home to go for a walk and help with the next thing as the afternoon sun dries up the raindrops of last night’s storm. God provided amidst the drought of my own faith – bringing rain as a reminder of His faithfulness. Again and again – being all that is needed and so much more.

If you’d like to check out the new ministry and learn of all the Lord is doing in and through them, here is the link! https://heartsofhope.org.za/

Prayer requests:

• For my heart to believe that God will provide regardless of changing circumstances.
• For all the house mamas at Hearts of Hope to keep loving these kids from an overflowing cup of strength and joy.
• For home-sickness to give way as it is still very present.
• For the initial ministry, to be blessed in all that they are doing.
• For safety over my previous team.

Until next time,

-Kyra Mariah

“Pursue me in the drylands.” is what I’ve heard God whisper over my soul this week.

It’s been full of weariness. Unease sets in with new vaccines and a new President in office. My heart has been weary of the future; of my mine, Our Nation’s and of my loved ones.

I haven’t turned towards Him when I should have, sitting in the drylands of this week, throwing a fit for myself instead of seeking His waters of redemption and surrender.

Drylands. That’s what these past few weeks have felt like. I personally struggle with the new vaccines and Our Nation’s new President’s ethics make me uneasy, but the Lord has a plan through this and no other earthly possession or thing will bring the kind of nourishment that my heart can find in Him.

With a homemade London fog tea in hand, Christmas lights hanging from the ceiling and sister hammy-down stripped pants with bee socks, I look back on last year.

My word was confidence. By the end of the year, I realized that my confidence of the unknown cannot come from solely me. My confidence has to be rooted in Him before I can gain any confidence in myself, if the other way around, it will lead to self-conceitedness and corruption.

There will always be seasons on Earth where the soil is drier than others, while other seasons will be wetter. No matter the climate, there is still nourishment and nutrients that can be found in the soil; bringing about new life.

I used to nanny 5 boys of a single dad in the Air Force for several years. This week, their new mom officially adopted them as her own. Not because of her and their dad’s marriage or out of obligation, but because from the deep parts of her heart, they are her boys. It was beautiful watching as the judge approved of the adoption and made the boys hers. These past few years for the sweet family has been a dry-land, but this week that dry-land turned into a plentiful field of redemption, love, tenderness and wholeness. Those boys gained an inspiring new mother. One who will love them and hold their hearts in her hands.

My word for this year is fulfillment. I’m already learning that what I had envisioned is different than what the Lord is trying to teach me. Already, He’s opened my eyes to areas that I have become numb. Areas that I would rather avoid, subjects I don’t talk through due to past pain, to ways I study His Word and don’t absorb what He’s laying out in-front of me. What I’m learning is, God’s a really patient teacher. Eager to always teach me new things, grow me, strengthen my headspace, encourage prayer, and yet, I don’t take the time to sit and listen to His teachings.

Fulfillment. Confidence. Drylands. In all of these facets, God is reminding me that my heart and emotions are valid in all seasons. Yet, in order to feel relieved and fully seen, known and treasured, I have to turn towards Him.

I’m not sure what the future holds for Our Nation, for the side effects with the vaccine, with our hearts through all the unrest and change of life’s pace. Friend, as I remind myself, may I also encourage you, to seek Our Father’s well of nourishment, grace and teachings. He is always willing to teach and hold you, may you have a beautiful rest of your day. Jesus loves you and so do I! I’ll leave you with one last question.. What does it look like to seek His fulfillment in the midst of your own drylands?

-Kyra Mariah

Thanking Jesus as I wrap up fall semester of my Junior Year. Crazy to think I’ll be graduating in 2 years, December 2022, with TWO majors!!!! Can I get a hallelujah?!

As I stirred homemade soup in a big bowl on the stovetop, I started thinking back on this past semester. Filled to the brim, full of such vital ingredients and moments, that without the others, would make for it being bland. From moving into a house with three other girls and my dog, Kia, saying goodbyes to the Penley’s, Jon and I traveling to the Mayo Clinic for answers with him meeting my extended family, 19 credit hours, new job at a senior living center, CNA State Certified, weddings, a new church, and all the new friendships formed, it’s been filled to the brim. It’s been a beautiful picture of a tree growing, evolving and forming with fullness over time.

This semester has been full of newness and change, something that I’m learning I struggle quite a bit with. It’s been in the moments between all the newness and transitions that I’ve questioned my identity in the Lord as His daughter, doubting my confidence in the One who sees me in His eyes, and trying to hurriedly rush to the next to-do item on the list.

As I sat, on a cloudy afternoon, chai tea and homemade soup in hand, classical music in the background and completing schoolwork with my sister, Anna and roommate, McKensie, tears begin to rush in. It’s been a whirlwind of a semester, and even a year, yet the Lord has been so gracious in the way He loves. Showing me areas I need repentance, early morning devotions, walks to the Open Space with Mrs. Christy, dessert dates with the roommates, intentional times with family and framily (friends that are family) and befriending quietness.

I’ve been one to fill my schedule full, to the brim, and yet God has so tenderly taken away pieces of my schedule, and keeps asking me to draw nearer and nearer to Him instead. Taking Kia on walks, early morning devotionals and hot showers after a day have become the most intimate of times with my Savior.

It’s crazy to look back on who I was a year ago, the turmoil and season of grief I was facing head on, and yet to still be in a season of grief, knowing more confidently, that my Father delights in sitting with me.

As I enter into the Holiday Season, waiting to hear back on Jon’s health and gearing up for Spring semester with 22 credits, my prayer is that the quiet moments stay intimate and a priority.

Enjoy a morning with some hot tea, walking your dog in silence or begin repenting out-loud in the shower, as God’s love washes away your sins. He loves you friend, and so do I.

Friend, I pray in the midst of this roller coaster of a year, you are able to have intimate moments with Our Father. He who delighted in making you, wants to have a relationship with you too. That you would be filled with the patience to watch as God crafts a beautiful, full of life tree out of you and the life you are living!

-Kyra Mariah

Since getting back from Florida, at the Mayo Clinic for Jon, then seeing my extended family for Thanksgiving, life has been a blurry painting of busyness and longing. With school coming to a close, my heart aches for the past, wishing to travel back in time, when hugging loved ones was not seen as a risk.

This time last year, my older brother, Kelvyn, was involved in a multiple rollover car accident. I remember where I was that day. Sitting on the couch watching “Princess and the Frog” after church with one of the kiddos whom I used to live with, hearing Kelv’s sobs over the phone as he cried out in agony, confused to what had happened. Walking into that room that day, seeing my brother’s broken body in bed, I thanked God for keeping him alive.

This year things are different. Kelv has since had neck surgery and fully healed from his injuries, and I now work at a Senior Living Center, where the day’s are full. Pulling long hours, with 3 face masks and full PPE some days, my bed seems to be a stranger for the time being. I remember the feeling of loneliness when I first got that phone call from Kelv. Wondering what had happened, who could I call; and then I think of my residents. Those unable to see their loved ones this Christmas due to potential outside exposure. Sitting in that hospital room with Kelv, tears of gratitude flooded down, as arms of comfort surrounded me from my sister, Anna, to Jon and his sweet mama, Mrs. Ehresman to Mrs. Christy and my parents to my younger brothers, Kaden and Blake.

This past week we had a resident test positive with the virus. I took care of her in full PPE, waiting until the ambulance came to transport her to a special facility designed to treat elderly positive patients. As I held her hands, with full PPE on, 3 masks, and double gloved, the look in her eyes reminded me of that day last year when Kelv said he was in the hospital, unsure of what had happened and had broken his back and neck in several places. Pure fear and terror. Staring into her eyes, I told her over and over that, “we love her and will see her soon.” Watching as she was loaded into the back of the ambulance, completely isolated and fearful of the unknown, I began to pray for peace and comfort to fill her heart. I cannot image how Kelv would’ve felt if no one could’ve been with him, having no one to hold his hand or perform the macarena on a chair at midnight.

With work hours building up and watching as those dear, beloved resident’s are lonesome in this Holiday Season, my heart aches for them. God created us to build community with one another; I struggle to see the fine line between inhumanity and safety when it comes to this virus, but as the days continue to be full, please be praying for those who are not allowed to hug their loved ones amidst this scary time. This year, I’m grateful Kelv’s still with us, and I get to hug him extra tight this Christmas. Growing up with him as my older brother and best friend has been a treasure, one that I will hold close to my heart. May this Christmas be one to look back on, and remember to cherish the time when you can still hug your loved ones.

-Kyra Mariah