The Lord has recently been teaching me to take in the little moments and find life within them. More days have ended in despair and turmoil than in joy, yet the Lord has so clearly said, “keep pressing into me, for I am your refuge.”

I’ve found myself going through the motions recently, numb to the touch as I have neglected my Bible and have clung to earthly possessions instead.

One day, my counselor had me write out three lists, “what fills you up?”, “what drains you?” and “which is taking up more room in your house?” I felt punched in the gut, knowing this season of life has been more draining than filling. I forgot about the lists and remembered as I pulled into counseling the following week. Quickly filling them out and running in. With a mix of grace and truth, she told me to take a second look and to be really honest with myself.

That night I climbed into my shower, the place I feel closest to God and wept. Tears streaming down as I repented to my Father who has desperately wanted to hold me through these past months of trials.

In the early mornings, as the sun begins to rise above the tree line, Kia sits at the foot of the bed, watching peacefully, intricately and full of anticipation as the new day begins. Just like God does. Waiting for us to wake up, yearning for us to reach out and communicate whatever is on our hearts, patiently wanting to speak with us like He did with His disciples in the early mornings.

I’m grateful for a man who’s an example of life and joy. Through his health struggles and the grief in my life, he has remained rooted in God’s faithfulness. He’s reminded me to go dancing on the beach, watch the sunshine pour in through the window shades, and to start my mornings with sweatpants, duck socks & peppermint tea, knowing these are things that are soul-healing; taking note of the life that’s encapsulated. Taking note of the little moments and letting them fill up the pages in my journal, I began to notice more and more of God’s posture for me.

I’ll be honest, I’ve failed many days, even weeks with seeing the life within. Finding it easier to return to the numbness and not press into Him.

I’m learning it’s the cracks that God fills; nourishing each one of us in areas that truly fills our souls and drawing us up into His tender-powerful arms. Friend, you are seen, you are valued, and God wants to meet you in the cracks.

-Kyra Mariah

There’s something about picking fresh wildflowers off the side of the road, that doesn’t compare to store-bought flowers. Something about imperfections and beauty being tied up together.

I’m finding more and more that when I draw near to My Father, my eyes are opened to the ways He has so intricately designed my heart. For my love of wildflowers, a warm cup of chai, an early morning sunrise, snuggles with Kia, and holding tight to sweet kiddos, all make my heart soar. It’s the little things.

Over the years, there have been some very challenging times, where there felt like no rain was in the future, and no growth was forming, but God took notice of those seasons, connected them to my love of wildflowers, and has been teaching me of the relationship between both. Resiliency. Bravery. Boldness. Beauty. Depth. Growth. Sustainability. Perseverance.

If I’m being completely honest, I can’t say all those traits are associated to myself. There have been more seasons of self doubt, failure, burn-out, depression, loneliness and abuse.

Yet, God has been doing what only He can do; opening my eyes to the meadow of my life that He Himself created.

Through seasons of drought, were no wildflowers are sprouted above the soil, it’s easy to believe that they are dead, no growth is in the air, and hopelessness has taken room, but God has been showing me how wildflowers are still alive. Wildflowers root systems are extremely long, causing for when dry seasons occur, they are still alive, digging their roots down even further to sustain them through the hard times. This is how I see ourselves if we put our faith in the Lord. Through digging roots into his comforting soil, we will get through the hard times.

God is such a good good Father. He sees the areas of our hearts that need tending to. Like a gardener, God sees the weeds of lies that have begun to take ahold of our thoughts, shaping our identity, and begins pulling them out, giving room for our true self to keep growing, digging deeper underneath and blooming on the surface.

So, this tattoo is a reminder. That there will be seasons of drought; where my flowers are wilted and I have nothing growing on the surface, but with roots rooted in Him, I will make it in this meadow of life. The flowers represent different aspects of my life, in the end, He has not forgotten me, and He has not forgotten you.

Remember friend, you are wild, wonderful & perfectly in process!!

-Kyra Mariah

I wrote this back in August and was about to delete it, but God has pressed it onto my heart to share:

Not really sure where to begin this post.. as the past few months have felt like everyone has shared their own opinions whether or not in a graceful way.

The past months have felt like a heavy metal rock concert. Where everyone’s trying to yell their own opinions out into the world. Lots has surfaced on areas in which only Jesus’s redemption heals. So with all that said.. here’s a lil’ piece of my mind tonight..

I sit here with a heavy heart, watching as others are hurting, walking through dark caves and others are finding their flowered meadows.

I had a job interview back in May that turned out to be a dead end; or so I thought. Today I received an email from the lady re-offering the job, and my immediate reaction was, “Well God did say good things come to those who wait;” and it caught me in my tracks.

How many times do I truly stop and ask for God’s guidance, wait to hear what He has to say, and then praise Him when He comes through? What I’m learning is; God isn’t a big believer in quick fixes. He yearns for us to trust in Him while still walking through the darkness next to us. Through the turmoil and through the unrest it can be so easy to run to other options, find other facets or to simply give up and become disheartened with God’s timing not matching up to our own. I was so quick to believe this job was too “grown-up-ish” for me, yet God simply wanted me to rely on Him more when all other jobs fell through.

My heart goes to those who’s hearts are aching from the unrest and overwhelming unknowns that are filling their life story books.. but this is just a little small encouragement to remind you that just because the pages are unknown and full of unrest, God is still painting a beautiful story in your life, through you.

Page by page and piece by piece God is showing you the person He’s created you to be!! How crazy is that? So here’s a lil’ nugget of truth my little sister told me.. don’t make big decisions after 5pm. You can be so weighed down from the events, emotions and outcomes of the past day, that your judgement call may be off. This struck me real deep. How many times do I make decisions out of an emotional negative response rather than out of confidence and trust in the unknown? I am so quick to jump ahead, to dive out of the boat as it sails into the unknown waters, because I’m more confident in trying to figure out what’s next on my own, rather than sitting in the boat, sitting with peace and letting God show me what He has planned for my life, when He wants to show me.

So this is probably more so a lil’ reminder to myself than to you… but these are my last few words before signing off..

Stay in the boat. Even when you can see over the ledge and see what’s just below the surface, remember that there’s much more stuff deeper down that you can’t see. God created a boat to carry you for a reason.

Wait till the next morning to make a decision. When you make a decision in the moment, it’s choosing to decide what’s best through emotions rather than rational.

Lastly, remember that God loves to sit with you in the darkness. It may still feel scary, lonesome and heck, even fearful, but He has a shoulder to lean on and to whisper words of affirmation into your ears.

-Kyra Mariah

Late this past Wednesday night, fresh out of the shower & in my Christmas jammies, I went grocery shopping. Jon was headed to bed after both of us had long days of classes, as this is our first week back to college with weird, crazy schedules. As I walked up and down the aisles, we talked on the phone. Nothing special about it, simply catching up on how our day’s were and what was on each other’s hearts. Hearing his voice after a long day, was a comforting thing. Like a cup of chai on a gloomy afternoon, or warm sheets fresh out of the dryer.

As I pulled up to my house, and started to say goodbye to Jon, there he was, standing on my front porch. A sense of shock flooded over, and as he offered to help carry in my groceries, tears filled my eyes. Full of relief, bewilderment and confusion. Through dating Jon, he’s opened my eyes to areas of my life I have forgotten to invite the Lord into, He who so desperately wants to be apart of the little moments of my day.

As I walked into the house, he topped the whole surprise off with flowers, a note, homemade goodies and was all dressed up.

My heart fluttered.

Since he was all dressed up, I threw my old prom dress on and we remade our senior prom experience. Slow dancing late at night with wet hair, no makeup and still wearing my Christmas socks. Dancing to Perfect by Ed Sheeran, simply being held by a guy who time and time again shows up after the long days. Tears began to flood down. And I felt God whisper, “Redemption, Kyra. This is what redemption looks like.”

Jon’s and my relationship hasn’t always been the easiest. We’re coming up on one year of dating, but our past is far longer. Having initially met in 6th grade to now, it’s crazy to think through all the years and memories we’ve experienced together. April of 12th grade, we went to senior prom together as friends. With mixed emotions and hurtful conversations beforehand, prom has been one of the hardest memories we share together. It’s painful to look back on and we try to avoid talking about such a hard and honestly, awkward night.

But Wednesday night was a picture of redemption. Putting the same dress back on, in Christmas socks, no makeup and holding tight to a guy who’s been constant through some of my toughest moments over the years.

What a picture of redemption.

It was in the unexpected late night dancing that I realized how much God truly cares about the little moments. The times when we could use an extra hug, a comforting text message, or in Jon’s and my case, a redo, another shot at a memory that has become painful to relive. For Jon and I, it was our Senior Prom experience. Wearing that dress again brought back all the butterflies. We weren’t dating at prom, but I can say my heart was in pursuit of his, the timing just wasn’t right.

After a long day, late grocery runs, and exhaustion, God was still in pursuit of my heart. How special and intimate. God cares about you, friend. He cares about your long days, when you need a comforting text, an extra tight hug or simply a redo. How amazing is that.

Have the courage to remake a painful memory, to wear Christmas socks and a prom dress. Go dance with those you love. God delights in the little parties we throw.

As you go throughout your day friend, my prayer is that you feel the intimacy and comfort that only comes from Our Heavenly Father when you draw near to Him.

-Kyra Mariah

I’m learning what it looks like to not erase parts of my heart. Honestly, even writing that sentence, I want to go back and erase it. I struggle with vulnerability. Knowing when it’s safe to open up my tender, private heart.

I like to retreat, only sharing with a select few the ways that the Lord is growing and teaching me. I love things being organized, picture-perfect and trying my hardest in all facets. But somethings been weighing on my heart; lately I haven’t been completely honest and raw with y’all (the readers of these little posts), the way I had initially hoped.

Choosing to only post specific blogs out of fear that some wouldn’t be as impactful or have the wow factor. Rather, God’s showing me that He didn’t create me to be perfect. Ouch, that hurts even just typing it. Actually, He created me to share my brokenness with others, through talking or writing these posts.

As I go back and re-read some of my blog posts that I never published out of a crippling fear or worry that someone would hate it, I wish there would’ve been enough confidence to have posted those blogs; not caring what others thought; simply writing from my heart.

I started this blog to write down how the Lord has been working through my own life, how He has been growing and teaching me, and the possibility that it could resonate with one of my readers.

So I’m learning not to erase. To see the imperfections, as areas of growth. For redemption to take place and to not hold myself to such standards.

So I’m throwing out the pencils, taking up a pen and beginning to write with confidence; knowing that there will be hard seasons ahead that I will so wish to erase, but reminding myself that God created those seasons for specific lessons to be learned. There is such beauty in smeared ink; representing what the messiness of life itself is like. Full of mess-ups, hiccups and short-fallings, yet such strength and resillientcy.

This post is more so a personal reminder to myself, to keep writing with a pen and to see the beauty in the messiness.. but this is for anyone else who carries such a heavy burden of expecting perfection in their own life. It’s when you cry out to the Lord, He picks up your shattered heart and begins to mend it back together.

To the person reading this, may you feel the tenderness of the Lord through your broken tears. Here’s to messing writing, smeared ink and remembering that God created us for us to share in our brokenness, and draw near to Him for healing.

May your tattered hearts become mended, may your bruised souls be comforted, and may you have confidence to face the chaos of life head on, with a pen and paper in hand.

-Kyra Mariah

Life is a bit messy. Something I don’t like admitting or even letting my life become messy at all. Making sure the house is cleaned up and that my life is in order as much as possible. I view a dirty house as being irresponsible and lazy. Something I’m learning through being over-controlling, is that I’m not leaving much room for grace.

Over the past few months, it’s felt more like God has taken balloons filled with paint and splattered them all over my ‘white walls.’ The walls the I’ve spent so much time, stress, pressure and angst over keeping clean and perfect. He’s been showing me what areas of my life I’ve put too much pressure on and expected too much of others or myself.

The outward things like messy hair, unshaved legs, acne thriving and oversized colorful tie dye shirts have been my worst enemy the past few weeks. Quick to believe that because circumstances are sticky and difficult, job opportunities fell through the cracks and change is happening so quickly around right now, I am less of a person. So quick to be compliant and believe the lies of who I’m not. “Just because it’s been hard doesn’t mean that your not doing good. Doesn’t mean that your not good enough. Doesn’t mean God loves you any less. Doesn’t mean that people who love you look, at you differently and doesn’t mean that your a failure.” These were words my little sister, Anna, reminded me of, when my mind started to believe the lies that started creeping in.

I’ll be honest and admit that it’s not been easy beginning to see the good in the messy, acne thriving, legs unshaved, messy hair and oversized tie dye shirts that have filled up the past few weeks. Yet, it’s been important. Important to not always white-wash the circumstances that surround me.

God didn’t create this world to be black and white. Rather, to be messy and colorful. We’re all messy individuals who need God’s help cleaning up ourselves.

So to those who read this and relate to feeling like their walls have to be white, I challenge you to start painting in the colors, start seeing the messy as where life itself is full and plentiful.

You are loved and so treasured by our Heavenly King who loves painting with colors.

-Kyra Mariah

This year felt like a swirling sea; and am learning that God loves me for the core of who I am. He strips away the false identities, the glitz and glam, for transformation and redemption to take place. Like a ship in a storm. He pursues all of us, even the runaways.

-Kyra Mariah